Brushfire’s E3 2015 Predictions
It’s only a month and a half until E3! You know, the Electronic Entertainment Expo – the biggest annual event in video games. Home to huge reveals, hands-on with the latest games, closed door screenings, and mountains of buzz words and corporate b.s.
Nerdy Show has been on-site at E3 since 2010, and this year will be no different. (You can peruse all our past years’ coverage here.) In anticipation of the big show, Friday Night Fanfiction‘s Brushfire has some predictions and theories as to the announcements and drama destined to come from the show. Is he gaming’s Nostradamus or just another angry gamer crackpot? Read on and place your bets!
Microsoft:
“You guys didn’t like Kinect, so we took it out of the Xbox One. You still didn’t buy the system, so we are taking the Xbox One out of the Xbox One and replacing it with a low-end PC that has a Comcast box taped to it. Also Halo/Gears of War Crossover.”
Sony:
“You are never getting Uncharted Kart.”
Capcom:
“Street Fighter 5 will take after Killer Instinct’s business model and will only ship with Ryu. All characters are $9.99, and you have to buy them in an order that we decide, making you get everyone you hate, before being able to buy Chun-Li. Why did you guys hate Dead Rising 3?”
Nintendo:
“Splatoon is all you motherfuckers are getting. Zelda is delayed, Star Fox is delayed, and you’ll never get a decent Metroid ever again. But hey, you’ll still buy the WiiU right? Right?!”
Konami:
“Kojima, bro, we both said some things we didn’t mean. Please come home.”
VALVE:
“The International made us a shitload of money because nerds are stupid. So, instead of the four Valve-sanctioned Dota 2 tournaments, there will now be 12. Left 4 Dead 3 is canceled.”
EA:
“Fuck you, you’ll still buy it.”
Activision-Blizzard:
“Fuck you, you’ll still buy it.”
Warner Bros:
“Mortal Kombat X will now have all slasher movie villains, including return of Freddy Krueger, but the good one. We’re sorry for the previous confusion. Pre-order now to play as Harley Quinn and Goro tapped together.”
Rockstar:
“Zombies Grand Theft Auto V will be out for all GTAV players except for the PC players, as they will need to wait 1.75 years. Also no Red Dead for PC – ever.”
Square-Enix:
“Final Fantasy XV will sport DirectX 12 ability, yet still not be released for PC. Kingdom Hearts will have Mark Hamill replace Haley Joel Osment as Sora in Kingdom Hearts 3: Game of the Year Edition.”
Ubisoft:
“Assassin’s Creed 2015 will be set in the European theater of World War II. Parkour all over Nazi Germany! Answer the call of duty as Sgt. Frank Welker, in an episodic game that won’t go to the modern era until it’s fourth installment. Also the final version may differ slightly from the shipped product.”
Bethesda:
“What is Quality Assurance? What is Bug Testing? Also, buy Elder Scrolls Online.”
Bioware:
“Do you want the Blue E3 Presentation, the Red E3 Presentation, or the Green E3 Presentation?”
Sega:
“We’re gonna just stick to making cartoons.”
Tecmo:
“We’ve stopped making video games, and are going to focus solely on the JiggleX Action Engine.”
Bandai-Namco:
“We are planning on a Digimon tie-in for Dark Souls. It will be metal as fuck.”
All Indie Developers:
“8-bit pixel graphics, and a 4-Channel chiptune soundtrack assure you that you will spend money on this, even though you cant stop playing GTAV.”
Gamestop:
“Hate missing out on pre-orders? Announcing our pre-order pre-order badgering service! $5 down guarantees that we will never fucking shut up until you leave the store.”
Got any of your own E3 predictions, sarcastic or otherwise?
1 Comment
Yup.