Brandon Gets Drunk and Reviews Disney’s The Aristocats

Posted by Brandon on September 2, 2014

It started simply enough – Some gin, a little Pavan, and Disney’s 1970 animated feature The Aristocats.  Perfect evening? Hell no. Maybe it’s just the gin talking, but this movie has some odd shit in it that needs to be addressed.

Let’s start with the plot. The Aristocats is about rich cats in 1910 France who have absolutely no accents whatsoever and play with lead based paints all day without getting sick. The senile, aristocratic cat lady who OWNS them decides to leave her entire fortune to the four cats (a mom and three kids) and only when they die will her faithful butler see a penny. Really these cats will only live another 10 years tops, but since the butler is bad at math, he figures that he’ll have to live another 92 years to score his fortune.

Here’s where the story gets really interesting: instead of just killing the cats because they’re annoying cats, the butler gives them a whole jar of sleeping pills which literally just puts them to sleep. Keep in mind, he gave them enough to kill a horse. (Also there’s a singing horse, but more on that later.) After the cats fall asleep, the butler takes them to the country to get rid of them, but two dogs who know how to drive motorcycles hijack his wheels and start biting him for fun. The butler then bounces into the air, floating on an umbrella for about five minutes during this scene. I can’t really explain the physics involved in all of this, but I can tell you it wouldn’t work that way.

The cats wake up and notice they’re outside near a bridge and it’s about to rain. Like true upper class wastes who’ve never worked a day in their lives, they immediately decide everything is hopeless before even surveying if they’re more than 100 feet from their city or house. Then, a horny tomcat who talks like Frank Sinatra starts hitting on the mom until he realizes she has kids and decides not to help them. But, since all sexual predators have  heart of gold, he changes his mind because he doesn’t want to be a dirty rat.  This cat’s name is O’Malley and is somehow in France and has no Irish accent. O’Malley flirts hardcore with the mom in front of her kids, laying the chauvinist machismo on thick, calling her “chick” and “babe”. Of course the mom eats it up because she’s helpless and likes that sort of thing. O’Malley then decides to scare the shit of a helpless driver until his eyes turn bright red from shock (which doesn’t happen unless you’re having an aneurism and bleed into your eyes).

At some point during the cats’ travel back to Paris, they’re surprised by a train (how does a train sneak up on a cat?!), end up in water, and they all start drowning.  Geese from England decide to save them. Okay first off- Geese would NOT try to save a stray cat from drowning, I promise you! Secondly, I really don’t think geese would migrate over Paris, especially at that time of the year. Back to the butler, in a scene that feels like it lasts for 30 minutes, he realizes that the motorcycle dogs stole his hat and umbrella – linking him in the catnapping. He fucks around for hours trying to get his items back, which actually have no discernible features that could possibly link to him.

Then we come to one of my favorite parts. The cats return to Paris and hang out with O’Malley’s ally cat friends in his “pad”. All these cats play instruments and there’s a Siamese cat with massive buck teeth. When they all decide to bust into song, the Siamese cat goes cross-eyed and sings “Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young. Fortune cookie always wrong.” I shit you not.

Here’s another thing to see if you can make sense of: this really hot aristocratic female cat is surrounded by about fifty horny male cats, none of whom are starting a fight over her or going the least bit rapey. Obviously that would be bad, and we can all be glad it didn’t happen, but have you ever seen a wild male cat? Or fifty of them with one female?!

Eventually, they get back home and the butler decides that the easiest thing to do with them, instead of just killing them, is to ship them to Timbuktu Africa. Obviously! The ally cats come to the rescue when they get tipped off by a mouse or something, and then a horse kicks the butler so hard that he flies into the shipping crate, whereupon the mail picks him up. I’m assuming he’s dead because a horse just fucking kicked him! Also he was shipped to Africa and there weren’t any additional scenes with him to show that he was alive. In the end, the old rich cat lady decides to make her home open to all ally cats in Paris. EWW! Disgusting! Toxoplasmosis for everyone!

MORE FUN THINGS I NOTICED!

• Cats can sing scales but not communicate with humans??
• Cats don’t befriend mice that wear tiny outfits!
• Dogs don’t steal motorcycles! (I think.)
• Where does the tiny mouse get such small clothing!?
• European cats somehow know how miles work as a unit of measurement?!
• The Siamese cat was playing the piano with chopsticks and not even playing “Chopsticks”!
• Cat’s cannot play a harp!
• Cats singing about cavemen obviously know about evolution?!
• How the hell does that cat know what a Wigwam is?!!
• Cat’s do not actually want a father figure!
• Mice are not expert safe crackers!
• A Frenchman in beret is drunk at a cafe, obviously, is the only thing that makes sense in this godawful film.

 

In conclusion, I realized something: in this film, the moon has no face – no craters whatsoever! Therefor, Aristocats takes place in an alternate dimension and is sci-fi. That means all things are possible!! I give this movie a thumbs down, but the alternate dimension thing was a nice touch. Way to go Disney!

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About Brandon

The ultimate master of doing everything perfectly average. Whether it be archery skills, ornithology, kung fu, or your mom. Enjoys long walks on the beach if by "long walks" you mean sitting on a couch in the dark and by "beach" you mean playing video games.