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This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For, WHITE HOUSE RESPONSE

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  • #28479
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Someone petitioned The White House to build a Death Star, it got its required signatures, they responded, I’ll just copy pasta because it’s so cool!

    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/response/isnt-petition-response-youre-looking

    OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE RESPONSE TO
    Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.
    This Isn’t the Petition Response You’re Looking For
    By Paul Shawcross

    The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

    The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
    The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
    Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?
    However, look carefully (here’s how) and you’ll notice something already floating in the sky — that’s no Moon, it’s a Space Station! Yes, we already have a giant, football field-sized International Space Station in orbit around the Earth that’s helping us learn how humans can live and thrive in space for long durations. The Space Station has six astronauts — American, Russian, and Canadian — living in it right now, conducting research, learning how to live and work in space over long periods of time, routinely welcoming visiting spacecraft and repairing onboard garbage mashers, etc. We’ve also got two robot science labs — one wielding a laser — roving around Mars, looking at whether life ever existed on the Red Planet.

    Keep in mind, space is no longer just government-only. Private American companies, through NASA’s Commercial Crew and Cargo Program Office (C3PO), are ferrying cargo — and soon, crew — to space for NASA, and are pursuing human missions to the Moon this decade.

    Even though the United States doesn’t have anything that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, we’ve got two spacecraft leaving the Solar System and we’re building a probe that will fly to the exterior layers of the Sun. We are discovering hundreds of new planets in other star systems and building a much more powerful successor to the Hubble Space Telescope that will see back to the early days of the universe.

    We don’t have a Death Star, but we do have floating robot assistants on the Space Station, a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is supporting research on building Luke’s arm, floating droids, and quadruped walkers.

    We are living in the future! Enjoy it. Or better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field. The President has held the first-ever White House science fairs and Astronomy Night on the South Lawn because he knows these domains are critical to our country’s future, and to ensuring the United States continues leading the world in doing big things.

    If you do pursue a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field, the Force will be with us! Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

    #28486

    This has restored my faith in my country.

    For the Commonwealth!

    #28488
    Cat
    Keymaster

    For some perspective, the author Paul Shawcross, is the Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House. Apparently a totally rad dude, ’cause this is awesome.

    #28490
    ViralDemon
    Participant

    I think what we all really need to take from this is that, as of this publication, it is a known fact that Barack Obama is a jedi, based on the fact that he knows his way around a lightsaber.

    #28491

    … And now I know what I’m gunna draw next

    For the Commonwealth!

    #28496
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    TOO LATE

    #28499
    Wage
    Participant

    Winner. It just has that certain je ne sais quoi about it. “You’re going to get this shit through Congress or I’m gonna chop your dick off and give it to Monica Lewinsky as a souvenir, capice?”

    #28536
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    not to mention his light saber is dual colored!

    #28541
    Wage
    Participant

    Of course, as he’s more like the newer extended universe characters that swing around that dividing line in the Force like a burlesque girl on a pole. (What’s with that shit anyway? Sure, it built dramatic tension the first ten times they did it, but now it’s old hat. EVERYONE’S flirting with falling to the dark side now. Everyone.) It’s only natural that his Gentleman’s Weapon is dual colored. I’m just wondering which Wookie he trounced to get a hold of that bowcaster.

    #28552
    Cat
    Keymaster
    #28556
    Wage
    Participant

    See, if we could have put out the idea as a system to combat rising sea levels by manipulating the tidal forces, we may have been in business. Otherwise, just call it a Peace Moon. Still, an orbital turbolaser battery should prove an effective deterrent against extra-national paramilitary groups.

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