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Jurassic World Rant

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    Hey everyone!!! I just watched Jurassic World and if you really hate Mad Max Fury Road then this is the movie for you! Do you like no character development and a lack of any sort of emotional attachment to anyone or anything? Do you like generic CG dinosaur battles that you’ve already seen in all 3 of the other movies and have no tension cuz it’s fake as shit? Do you like feeling absolutely no suspense because you already know everyone who is going to live and die within the first 10 minutes? Do you like know it all annoying 11 year olds who know absolutely everything about dinosaurs including how many teeth each one has??? He should have fucking graduated from college by now since he’s so fucking smart, SPOILERS AHEAD!!! ALERT ALERT!!!

    So here’s the premise of the movie. John Hammond the creator of Jurassic Park left his entire enterprise to someone he thought would care about life more than money, obviously the 8th richest business man in the world. This is a very confusing character (I think his name is Simon) because from the very start he says things like, there’s more to life than money and try to enjoy and live life. Then 10 minutes later he’s yelling at people to genetically alter dinosaurs to make them scary genetic fuckups to attract more customers. WTF which is it? Do you enjoy life and all things in nature or you just want some scary shit for a business model?? Your character makes no sense!?!? There’s also a generic military guy and guess what he wants to do?? Yup, you guessed it, he wants to make dinosaurs into a weapon obviously! It’s worth noting that every single time we see this guy move into action with his military buddies they play some shitty evil military music that you might have heard before in, I don’t know, every single movie in existence?!?!

    Ok, so now let’s get to the 2 annoying shitty kids that are practically the main characters for some reason. Their parents are getting a divorce and don’t want them to know about it so they send them to a fucking island full of dinosaurs to have one last family outing, but they’re not gonna be there so wtf is the point? Also i think this makes 3 Jurassic park movies now with divorced couples, wtf is with that? It seems like this movie just keeps borrowing from the worst parts of 2 and 3. Also, they made a genetic dinosaur freak that can do all sorts of crazy shit for plot convenience and escapes. Speaking of plot convenience, cell phones and walkie talkies randomly stop working for absolutely no reason in this movie depending on the situation. Everyone is using cell phones and walkies one moment, and the 1 fucking dinosaur escapes, ONE, and suddenly no one can reach anyone by phone or walkie. Really? are we that fucking dumb of an audience? Probably.

    So I know I’m rambling but I’m kinda angry cuz everyone told me this movie was going to be good. There’s a scene when the 2 kids, who you have no emotional attachment to, get into a fucking hamster ball which isn’t on a track at all but moves on it’s own and is remotely controlled. When an evacuation warning is sounded the older kid is all like, “psh, I guess we can spend a few more minutes out here” And takes the controls and starts driving the fucking thing. Are you kidding me!? In what world would a customer be allowed to navigate a fully automatic million dollar device in a giant open field with bone shattering dinosaurs?? I guess plot convenience that’s why! I mean he wasn’t touching the thing earlier while it was moving but damn I’m not going home so I’m just gonna grab the fucking controls and we’re out of here! Did I mention this park has state of the art everything? They can track every dinosaur and human from fucking space with thermal imaging but they cant control a fucking hamster ball when a kid presses forward on the joystick??

    Here’s some more good times, The kids find the original Jurassic Park visitor center abandoned and in classic Fuck You fashion, burn the banner sitting on the ground for light. Yup, fuck you Jurassic park. Oh you loved the original Jurassic Park? Well we’re gonna have the shitty looking new dinosaur crash through the center of it and stand in the middle and roar just like the T Rex did in the first movie at the end, and then wreck the fucking place. Fuck You! Then the kids, who are really young and annoying, find an original abandoned jeep in the center. Let me please point out to you that this thing has been sitting for over 20 years without an oil change or gasoline and they look at each other and say “Hey remember that time we fixed dad’s chevy malibu?” And they remove a battery and one kid turns a wrench and the thing fucking starts! Really?? They fixed that shit in 4 minutes?! A jeep is not a chevy malibu! Also 4 minutes dude! Also, the fuck is this dialogue?

    Let’s move onto more shit. There are pterodactyl’s with T Rex heads…why??? Genetic modifications, that’s why. Yup, pterodactyls with T Rex heads, think about that please. Ok so later in the movie, Ginger Minge pulls a Jeff Goldblum and waves a flare in front of a T Rex. In the original movie, Malcolm is clearly shown waving a flare in front of T Rex and the dinosaur not giving a fuck and chasing him after he throws it, cuz he’s fucking hungry and don’t want no god damn light to eat! So in this movie, said Ginger above, waves a flare and T Rex chases her and then she throws it and it follows after the flare. REALLY!? You showed us in the first fucking movie that T Rex wants some fucking human food, not a flare!? Why does this work now!? I could point out endless flaws in this movie that piss me off, because I really wanted to enjoy it, but nothing made sense. Highly trained military personnel with the best technology die in 3 seconds amongst several cliched scenes we’ve witnessed in scores of other movies, but tiny children and gingers can outrun dinosaurs. screw that noise.

    I shall know leave you with this final thought. The main dinosaur is taken out when the T Rex, a Velociraptor, and some sort of whale dinosaur team up. Yes, that’s right, they team up. And when the big dinosaur is dead T Rex and Velociraptor just nod at each other and go their separate ways. I’m pretty sure T Rex was fucking hungry and did all this for food!!! Not because he wanted to stop a fucking bad guy! He should be eating everything right now! Also, Chris Pratt was cool though. I’m gonna stop now because I’m shaking and my face is red, gonna go lay down for a bit.


    inb4 jurassic-sized shitstorm. (grabs popcorn)

    If you want to reach my in-character profile as "General Manager" of the Ghostbusters, tag me using: @seven


    You basically voiced my exact concerns about the movie, based on the trailer alone, and I now feel vindicated for not having seen it. Mad Max 4 lyfe, Chris Pratt 4 wyfe.

    Exactly how fake are we talking in terms of CG?

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    I have a lot of issues with Brandon’s rant. However, I do agree with a new of his points. First and this is the most apparent. Show don’t tell. They did a very good of this in the movie. The T. rex has been trained and responds to the flare. We’ve known this since the original. It was shown when Rexy eats the goat early in the movie. When Claire throws the flare at the Indominus it would attract anythings attention and now she sees a larger source of meat and/or threat so she would without a doubt pull her attention from Claire. Basically the flare has always worked, Granted used it to get Rexy away from the kids, but Malcom ran with it and by this time Rexy was now more interested in him. On top of that Grant froze immediately so she lost track of him. Oh and the notion T. rex can only see things moving is complete bullshit.

    When she out runs the T. rex, that wouldn’t be possible especially in heels. Granted Rexy is much older and arguably slower, but she still couldn’t out run it. However, you cannot bitch about that and not bitch about Tim in the first movie out running a raptor. Tim’s leg is hurt, fairly severely and he is hardly able to walk. He managed to out run a substantially faster animal. So the Jurassic Park movies have a habit of doing this. That said, Claire has a much greater chance of out running an aging T. rex. Again, you can’t bitch about that and say, “THE ORIGINAL WAS PERFECT AND EVERYTHING MADE COMPLETE SENSE!!!!”

    The kids were MUCH better than the kids in any other movie. In some ways annoying, because kids. The whole Jeep thing was unrealistic and didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there is no sense of time in that scene. They could have been there for a while and it is possible. Plus I was working on cars when I was the older kid’s age all the time. There is no reason to believe he couldn’t do it. So that argument is flawed. Lighting the, “When Dinosaurs Ruled the Planet” banner, cry me a river. It was already rotting away. Plus they had no idea what it was and it is a fucking banner. All that said, the kids were okay. They were far from the worst in the series. Also, they were far from the main characters. Owen, Claire and the Indominus were the main characters.

    The scene with the Indominus crashing through the vistor center was fun and it roared like the T. rex, big deal. It was a nod and it showed that this is the bigger badder animal.

    Now them not returning when they were told to. That was very dumb. To me it was one of the bigger issues I have with the movie. So yeah, completely valid complaint. The cellphones going in and out, yeah another problem I had. If the Indominus was shown taking out towers or something then it would have been more believable.

    Your confusion with Simon confuses me. He is a business man. He is a good one and one you can relate to because he wants to know that the people and animals are doing well. That is his first question to Claire. He values that over profit, while Claire also a business woman is very much the model of that and she is realistic because she is always in that mindset. Back to Simon, he wanted something bigger and scary, which is completely fine he isn’t a scientist and he left it to them to create something. They made something terrifying and much more dangerous than he thought was possible. He had no idea about the military application that was the underlying motivation for these new creations.

    Ask yourself this, when you go to the zoo are you there for the mundane animals? Or are you there for the terrifying predators? He did everything you would expect a business man to do. He didn’t want to kill the Indominus because it cost them something between 40-70 million to create. So he wants it caught, they did this with Rexy and the Raptors already so you would expect him to be confident in the ability of their ACU team to bring down the Indominus.

    Technology is a beautiful thing, but doesn’t always mean you will come out ahead. These animals are stronger and more powerful than anything that has ever lived. The Indominus was as strong and stronger than a T. rex and as smart as a raptor which has proven they can out smart people time and time again. So it taking out a whole team by itself isn’t a stretch.

    Now I’m a HUGE dinosaur nut. I’m more into them than I am cars. I know more about them than I do cars as well. The genetic modification of other animals you are complaining about is completely unfounded. The Pterodactyl with the T. rex head is called Dimorphodon. It was a real animal. Not a dinosaur, but a flying reptile. It’s head is far closer to a Allosaurus than a T. rex too. The only animal that was “genetically modified” (they all were) was the Indominus. As in one that was comprised of several genetic strains from different animals.

    You’re complaint about the team up at the end is again, wrong. Dinosaurs weren’t dumb, T. rex had a MASSIVE brain and was considered to be highly intelligent. They hunted and operated in large groups. The T. rex was clearly out matched by the Indominus as was the raptor. So in order to survive they both fought it. It was a great fight too. It gave the T. rex back the pride it deserves that was unjustly taken from it in the third movie (worst movie ever). The exchange between Rexy and Blue at the end was fine. Both are smart animals, both were nearly killed and probably tired. Rexy walks away clearly exhausted. Plus do we know she is hungry? That is never stated and while I’m sure she could eat a human or two easily she is probably okay. Animals will work together for the greater good or their own benefit. Both were true in this instance and it is fine.

    I’m at work and this is the best I can do right now. Basically the movie was very good. It was fun and exciting and even if you didn’t like the bulk of it the end MORE than makes up for anything. My opinion is that people wanted it to be EXACTLY THE SAME and it isn’t. It gives great nods and lives up to the original in many ways. Is it as good? No, but is it a fun god damn ride and a movie that is legitimately enjoyable, fuck yeah it is.


    I finally saw Jurassic World last night, and I’m somewhere in the middle. I wanted to like it more than I did, but I didn’t hate it. The dinosaurs were almost all obvious CG, and the one that wasn’t (dying Sauropod) didn’t look nearly as good as the puppets from 1.

    Most of the above stated issues were also apparent to me. I laughed to myself at the Jeep repair scene. There is absolutely no way a 90s jeep is going to be sitting for 20 years with gas in the tank and be just a dead battery away from starting. I don’t doubt it’s possible that kid can “know about cars” at that age, but the reality of an engine that’s been sitting un-turned for two decades in a tropical environment is that it’s going to be a boat anchor. I know this from personally purchasing 30 year old cars in Florida that have been sitting in suburban driveways for that long and getting them back on the road. Rings’ll be rusted to the block, brakes are going to be frozen, and the gasoline is going to be straight up varnish. All the hoses will have dry rotted. Small animals will have nested in the exhaust and or under the hood. Wiring will have been chewed or just corroded beyond repair. Gasoline starts to separate and go bad after 6 months as well, so unless they dropped the gas tank and flushed it out, and put in new gas from that 4-wheeler they got the new battery from, no amount of wrench turning was going to get that thing going again.

    The most realistic thing in the movie was when the hamster ball ride operator suddenly had to pull out the manual on how to get people to evacuate. Having worked at Busch Gardens in high school driving trams, I totally sympathized with that kid. That is exactly how that would have played out.

    One of my biggest issues with the film was that the tone was all over the place. Whenever the InJen guy was there, he was pretty buffoonish; is he supposed to be comical, or are we supposed to feel like he is a legit sinister agent of greed? He just really seemed like a fool. Henry Wu seemed like the real evil mastermind for most of the scenes.

    I think the line that Nick from The New Girl said in response to his Jurassic Park t-shirt purchase pretty much sums up my feelings on this franchise: “The ORIGINAL Jurassic Park was legit! They had REAL dinosaurs!”


    I also finally saw it. I’m reserving my comments for an upcoming podcast.

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    Popcorn movies should always be compared to actual good movies.

    David "Brushfire" Hubbard is a gamer. Webster's defines a gamer as "one whom enthusiastically plays games." Because of this, he is qualified to have opinions on them.


    That is why we can’t have nice things.

    A choice excerpt from the foloowing article:

    “…I want to pull back the focus a bit and look at the larger implication of the “What did you expect, Citizen Kane?” thing. I want to translate that question to reveal what it truly means:

    “What did you expect, it would be any good?”

    Yes. Yes, I did. I think every movie should be ‘good.’ Especially really big, expensive ones that were worked on by thousands of people. And I don’t mean great, or perfect or transcendent or Oscar-worthy. When I say ‘good’ what I really mean is ‘competent.’”


    Omg, this:

    “If all of the film’s dinosaurs had been wireframe animations there’s no question everyone would have been calling it a bad film, but when the story and characters are as unfinished and crude as that the problems are handwaved.”

    The characters in Jurassic World were “wireframe” humans.

    If you want to reach my in-character profile as "General Manager" of the Ghostbusters, tag me using: @seven


    So… once upon a time… a primetime Jurassic Park animated series was developed all the way to a trailer stage…:

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