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E3 Predictions: 2015 Edition!

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    Post them E3 Predictions. With the event less than a month away, let the speculation flow forth.

    VALVE: “TI5 made us a shitload of money because nerds are stupid, so instead of the 4 Valve Sanctioned Dota 2 Tournaments, there will now be 12. Left 4 Dead 3 is canceled.

    Microsoft: “You guys didn’t like Kinect, so we took it out of the Xbox One. You still didn’t buy the system, so we are taking the Xbox One out of the Xbox One and replacing it with a low-end PC that has a Comcast box taped to it. Also Halo/Gears of War Crossover.”

    Sony: “You are never getting Uncharted Kart.”

    Capcom: “Street Fighter 5 will take after Killer Instinct’s Business model and will only ship with Ryu. All characters are $9.99, and you have to buy them in an order that we decide, making you get everyone you hate, before being able to buy Chun-Li. Why did you guys hate Dead Rising 3?”

    EA: “Fuck you, you’ll still buy it.”

    Activision-Blizzard: “Fuck you, you’ll still buy it.”

    Warner Bros: “Mortal Kombat X will now have all Slasher Movie villians, including return of Freddy Krugar, but the good one. We are sorry for the previous confusion. Preorder now to play as Harley Quinn and Goro tapped together.”

    Rockstar: “Zombies GTAV will be out for all GTAV players except for the PC players, as they will need to wait 1.75 years. Also no Red Dead for you PC faggots.”

    Square-Enix: “FF15 will sport DirectX 12 ability, yet still not be released for PC. Kingdom Hearts will have Mark Hamill replace Haley Joel-Osment as Sora in Kingdom Hearts 3: Game of the Year Edition.”

    Nintendo: “Splatoon is all you mother fuckers are getting. No Star Fox, No Zelda, and especially no Metroid. But hey, you’ll still buy the WiiU right? Right?”

    Ubisoft: “Assassin’s Creed 2015 will have you scaling the heights of Nazi Germany in the World War 2 era AC game. Answer the call of duty as Sgt. Frank Welker, in an episodic game that won’t go to the modern era until it’s fourth installment. Also the final version may differ slightly from the shipped product.”

    Lionhead Studios: “I’m Peter Molyneux, and this is how I am going to disappoint you this time around.”

    Bethesda: “What is Quality Assurance? What is Bug Testing? Also, buy ESO.”

    Bioware: “Do you want the Blue E3 Presentation, the Red E3 Presentation, or the Green E3 Presentation?”

    Sega: “We are gonna just stick to making cartoons.”

    Tecmo: “We have stopped making video games, and are going to focus solely on the JiggleX Action Engine.”

    Bandai-Namco: “We are planning on a Digimon tie-in for Dark Souls. it will be metal as fuck.”

    Konami: “Kojima, bro, we both said some things we didn’t mean, please come home.”

    All Indie Developers: “8BIT pixel graphics, and a 4-Channel chiptune soundtrack assure you that you will spend money on this, even though you cant stop playing GTAV.”

    Gamestop: “We will add 15 more things to badger you about. Would you like to pre-order our preorder badgering service? 5 Dollars down guarantees that we will never fucking shutup until you leave the store.”

    David "Brushfire" Hubbard is a gamer. Webster's defines a gamer as "one whom enthusiastically plays games." Because of this, he is qualified to have opinions on them.

    Ice Abyzz

    Just going to steal your format, hate the game, not the playa.

    Bioware: Mass Effect 4 will be everything you want; romance, betrayal, bitching, silent treatment and incredible 4 endings (helpfully color coded for the simple minded) Now including a romanceable reaper as pre-order DLC. (we’ve also removed guns from the game, we feel they are to gamey)

    CD Projekt Red: We know people are disappointed we had to delay Witcher 3 again but here are some more lower resolution videos to confuse you about the graphical capabilities of the game.

    Indie Developer: Here is some super promising gameplay videos, now excuse me while I disappear on a 9 month cocaine binge during which there will be complete radio silence on all social media from me.

    Double Fine: SCHAFER HUNGERS!!! FOR MONEY!!! So please donate to our kick starter 🙂

    Valve: HALF LIFE 3! That’s right, we’re making a bundle that includes both Half life 1 and 2 with graphical upgrades. Why are you people booing? Stop throwing things! We’re not fixing offline mode if this is how you guys act!

    Nerdy Show: Brandon! Get down from the stage.

    Riot: More skins and unbalanced new characters that we will nerf after a month.

    2K Games: Here’s an amazing expansion pack that fixes inherently broken things in the base game. Yes we realize we should probably just fix the game in an update but that wouldn’t be as morally questionable.

    IO Interactive: In the newest Hitman, we wanted to make him more relatable so in this one you’ll be the Hitman trying to save his pregnant girlfriend from druglords that have kidnapped her to make Hitman work for them, but Mr. Hitman doesn’t want to kill since he needs to be a good rolemodel for baby so he’ll be using sneaking stealth mechanics to neutralize his opponents. Now with more loading screens!


    The Last Guardian…haha j/k
    also Half Life 3…lol I’m so damned funny!
    but seriously if there actually was a new digimon game that was dark and metal and possibly connected to a dark souls or bloodborne game, that would seriously make my fucking year!
    also Star Fox…man I should write comedy!


    Here’s a list of all the confirmed titles you guys can complain about:

    Ice Abyzz

    I do like complaining. But seriously, thanks Max that’s a pretty cool link.

    Do I remember right that Nerdy Show will be attending E3 this year?


    For being an actual game developer, I’m about as not plugged in to what’s coming out as it may be possible to be. As I was browsing that list, a few cool titles crossed my radar. I thought Drawn to Death had a great art style, though the game itself may prove to not be that fun. Plus I like the name of the studio.


    I’m still gonna have to wait for Half-Life 2: Episode 3?! For realz?! And I have mediocre hopes about Deus Ex: Mankind Divided. Also, Nintendo better not screw the pooch on Starfox WiiU.

    PSN name: Wolfboy1988
    Steam name: LG//Wolfboy1988m
    Let's play some games sometime!


    @abyzzinn Correct! We’re in LA right now, still reeling from the powerhouse that was the Bethesda conference and debating whether we should be playing Fallout Shelter or doing work.

    Thanks for the list, Max – lots of good stuff there. Gonna redirect everyone to a new E3 thread here:

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