Willrow Hood Infomercial – by Sean Hutchinson
We enter onto a brightly lit television stage.
“Are you tired of having to use two separate devices when you want to enjoy a delicious frozen delight and smuggle out secret Rebel Alliance contact information? Boy, I sure know I was. That’s why I invented Willrow Hood’s Creamery Core 5000, the galaxy’s only combination ice cream maker and data core! Hi there folks, I’m Willrow Hood.”
“I’m here today to tell you that no longer must your taste buds suffer at the expense of securing sensitive data. Are you hankering for some Kessel Run Krunch, but also need to get undercover agent identities out of Imperial hands? Before, these two tasks couldn’t be accomplished without two completely different white, cylindrical machines. In fact, just watch as this hapless fellow tries to enjoy two scoops of Cloud City Swirl while he sequesters the sensitive usernames and passwords of the Rebel faceholocron accounts.”
The scene cuts to an unlucky chap trying to run through the halls of a star cruiser. In one hand he clearly holds an ice cream maker, evidenced by the tasty treat leaking out of the top. Cradled in the other arm is an identical device, sans scrumptious snack. Without the ice cream visual cue, this is obviously a computer data core. The poor bloke runs afoul of two Storm Troopers during his hectic escape.
“Halt, citizen. What’s that you have there?”
Our luckless soul replies, “Why, just an ice cream maker, sir. Would you care for some Bespin Brickle?”
The first soldier gleefully responds, “Why golly, I sure would! Bespin Brickle is my favorite!”
His partner puts forth a restraining hand. “Now hold on a second there, Bob. If that’s an ice cream maker, then the other thing he’s got there must be a data core. That can only mean this ne’er-do-well is harboring secret information for the Rebel scum.”
The first Storm Trooper pauses, “By Jove, I do believe you’re right, Larry.” He turns toward our doomed compatriot. “Ever so sorry about this my good boy, but we’re going to have to kill you now.”
And with that, they blast Nameless Ned into oblivion. As his body slumps lifeless to the deck of the space ship, Storm Trooper Bob watches in horror as the ice cream maker tumbles from his grasp, shattering and spilling its creamy contents all over the deck. He looks to the heavens, hands clenched tightly in fists as a strangled cry is ripped from his throat. “NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”
The scene shifts back to the television studio, with Willrow standing there. “Well isn’t that just a shame? Not only is all of that information compromised and Ned’s dead, but no one got to enjoy that delectable dessert. Now, let’s see how that situation would have played out if he had been using Willrow Hood’s Creamery Core 5000.”
A screen wipe takes us back to the start of the previous scene, but this time, instead of two devices, ol’ Nameless Ned only has the one, teeming with ice cream. He runs into the same Storm Troopers.
“Halt, citizen. What’s that you have there?”
Ned innocently replies, “Why, just an ice cream maker, sir. Would you like some Tibanna Twist?”
The first soldier once more responds in the affirmative. “Why golly, I sure would. Tibanna Twist is my favorite!”
As before, the other soldier puts out a cautionary hand. “Now hold on a second there, Bob…. Is there enough for two?” All three commence with a round of hearty laughter and Ned throws a thumbs up at the camera, winking theatrically with an ear to ear smile.
And we’re back in the studio again, for the final time. Willrow’s joined by Nameless Ned and the two Storm Troopers, and they’re all finishing off some bowls of ice cream.
“Haha! Mmm, tastes like hidden knowledge! That’s Willrow Hood’s Creamery Core 5000. Guaranteed to arouse 83% less suspicion from nosy Imperial guards.”
“Are you still not convinced this is the deal for you? Act now and I’ll throw in two packets of mix for Willrow’s Rebel Ripple, a flavor that’s sure to cause a revolution in your mouth! Plus you’ll get a sample packet of Jedi Force Fudge. Taste the midichlorians!”
“How much would you pay for this amazing offer? 5000 Galactic Credits? 4000 Galactic Credits? No! I’m telling you, you can get your hands on this little beauty for the low, low, lower than a Sarlaac Pit, price of 2099 Galactic Credits! And for the first 100 holocallers, I’ll throw in this miniature lightsaber frother for free! You’ll be able to make the fluffiest, lightest ice cream this side of Hoth!”
“But wait, there’s more! All day long I’ve been telling you how great the Creamery Core 5000 is for storing Rebel secrets. But what if I told you that it’s just as good at storing Imperial datalogs as well, Empire aficionados? That’s right Sith overlords! Now all of your clandestine kill orders can be safely encrypted while you whip up a batch of ice cream so wonderful they’ll start calling you Darth Delicious! Those Rebel rapscallions won’t be finding the ventilation shaft weakness in your next planet destroyer!”
“So order now! Operator droids are standing by.”