5 Reasons Jurassic World Is On My List of Places to Visit Before I Die
Jurassic World, Planet Earth’s first theme park dedicated to REAL LIVE DINOSAURS, opens its gates June 12th and I couldn’t be more excited. The zoological and adventure park has been in development for decades now (remember back when it was called Jurassic Park, lol) and promises to be the world-class attraction to rule them all. Here’s just a few reasons why after this summer all other vacation destinations will go extinct.
5. So much to do!
Whether you’re into educational attractions or the thrill of brand new dino on the block, the Indominous Rex – Jurassic World has something for you. Personally, I’m psyched about visiting a posh resort AND having the adventure experience of a lifetime: DINOSAURS. Jurassic World has been carefully crafted to bring the best of every vacation experience together in one place. Just look at the park map! It’s insane! Restaurants, shops, attractions, rides, ATM machines, more shops – and did I mention the educational value? Parents, this is your dream trip! Forget Disney World!
4. There’s a HILTON!
Yes, that’s right – luxury accommodations right on site! If you didn’t think that you could get comfort in a place that’s mostly surrounded by 20’ concrete walls and Crocodile Dundee impersonators with firearms then you’re dino-saurly mistaken! Imagine this: All you can hear at night is the chirping of prehistoric bugs, the 164 decibel roar of the Indominous Rex (coming soon!), and the cold buzz of the 10,000+ volt electric fences – but that’s okay. Because the Hilton’s soft down pillows will keep you sleeping through it all. Did I mention the fun tropical contemporary interior design? Remember that AAA discount though, because the rates are only dwarfed by the majestic Apatosaurus.
3. The wait times are amazingly efficient!
You might ask yourself, “if Disney’s EPCOT Center has a 120 minute wait just to see Michael Jackson dance for the woman from Daddy Daycare (Anjelica Huston), then how can Jurassic World keep low wait times for their new Indominous Rex attraction?” Well, thanks for the unsolicited question dear reader! Let me answer that for you: EXCLUSIVITY. The Jurassic World homepage has a system in place monitoring projected wait times and showing how full the park is. Even at a whopping 92% capacity, wait times were at most 33 minutes (Gyroscope). The only explanation would either be that tourists are being eaten in the queue (hahaha, can you imagine?) or that the park only allows in enough visitors at any time as to foster an appropriate guest flow.
2. Jimmy “Motherf—ing” Buffet
Yeah that’s right, Parrot-Heads. Jimmy Buffet, known for his scrutiny as a restauranteur, is bringing Margarittaville to Jurassic World and giving the gift of the Cheeseburger In Paradise® to hoards of dino-loving tourists. There’s nothing I’d like more than to fill up on margaritas served from a giant volcano and Jimmy’s Jammin’ Jambalaya® right before a trip on the Cretaceous Cruise. Hey Indominous Rex, this shot of tequila is for you! Maybe if you could find that lost shaker of salt you wouldn’t be so grumpy!
1. Everybody Looks So Damn Happy
With the freshly baked churros and the Mr. DNA Meet-N-Greet, even if you don’t get to pet a single dinosaur you’re still going to take home the biggest smile of your life. Now I’ll be the first to admit, even when you’re with good friends enjoying a plate of Lava-Lava Shrimp® life can still find a way to bring you down – but with all the world-class amenities Jurassic World has to offer, there’s no way you won’t forget about the pain of your disappointing existence.
Just think, you can travel back to a simpler time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. No smartphones, no traffic, no crippling credit card debt; just the gentle grazing of Triceratops or the skillful hunt of the Velociraptor. That’s real happiness. How perfect would it be to make it into one of the paddocks and lay in the grass with these gentle beasts? Indominous Rex can you teach me your ways? Teach me how to live – to seek nothing but my own fulfillment and to achieve that fulfillment at any cost. That’s true happiness. That’s why everybody at Jurassic World has those big, toothy grins.
The Jurassic World hype is palpable – I’ve already got my tickets to Costa Rica booked and I’m going to be first in line for the Isla Nublar ferry. It’s a heck of a trip, and I might have to sell off my car to get there, but I’m going to Jurassic World if it’s the last thing I do. You should too!