Arkais Publications kinda-sorta proudly presents... US ACE in... THE MOUNTAIN-PASS OF MADNESS Chapter 1: Why, oh Dear God, Why? It was a day like any other to Ulysses Solomon Archer, better known as US ACE, or just ACE for those who arent too keen on using all them pretty words. He was doin' what he figured God put him on this Earth to do: Drive trucks! But little did he know that this day was actually destined to not be like any other at all! Yes, my friends, fate, that little conniving bitch, had her some plans for our pal ACE. And they probably weren't good ones. DUN DUN DUUUN! Anyways, where were we? Ah yes. TRUCK DRIVING! ACE sat at the overly simplified controls to his trusty vehicle: Optimus Pri- er... THE STAR-RIG. A mighty vehicle whose proud roots dug deep into a convoluted history that is best left unknown to all who wish to keep their sanity intact. So for now, just think big red truck, and everything will be fine. Probably. As ACE sat at the controls, steering, accelerating, and braking when appropriate, he enjoyed what is probably his favorite food. The almighty hoagie. With its variety of cheeses and oh so very much meaty goodness, it easily trumped anything else that could be found at the last truck stop he'd visited, oddly enough, called 'Probably The Last Truck Stop You'll EVER Visit... EVER'. As he bit yet again into the sandwich of dreams, he thought to himself what an oddly foreboding name it had been. Especially when it lead down a mountain pass that was said to be filled with DOOM!. But ACE had been driving on this pass for the better part of the last hour, and he'd yet to see even a hint of DOOM! Not even an ounce of uneasiness! "Lousy tourist traps..." he mumbled to himself through a mouthful of hoagish bliss. "Beware..." An raspy voice rasped. "Nom nom nom" came ACE's reply, obviously not hearing him over the sound of delicious awesomeness. "Beeeeeee-ware!" The voice rasped. Raspier this time. "Gulp" came ACE's reply, finishing off the greatest sammich he'd encountered in this universe thus far. "BEEEEEEEEEEEE-WAAAAAAAARE!" Came the rasping voice, this time right in ACE's ear. "Ok, ok! Don't worry, Greg, Be-ware Idaho isn't QUITE where I'm headed, but I'll drop you off in Joe, Montana, which is pretty close." ACE said to his hitchhiking companion, Greg, who had a nasty case of the sore throat, which made ACE uneasy. VERY uneasy. Deep down in the pit of his stomach. Or maybe that was the hoagie. Yep. DEFINITELY the hoagie! "Time for a pit stop, Greg!" ACE called out. "Buuut thereeees nooooo plaaace to stoooop..." Greg rasped. ACE looked out the windshield. Greg was right. "Bah to that! We don't need no stinkin' rest stop. We're MEN!" Chapter 2: Eclectic Boogaloo Ten minutes of horrifying things not fit for print later... "RUN! OH DEAR GOD, RUN!!!" ACE shouted to Bob, his new hitchhiking companion, as they sprinted back to the STAR-RIG as fast as their human legs could carry them. ACE, using his athleticism which would allow him to be an Olympic gold medalist if not for his truck driving destiny, ran and vaulted over the front hood of the STAR-RIG, landing on his feet in front of the drivers side door, which he willed open through use of the telepathic link that he definitely had with his vehicle the entire time. Bob, who was slower and less athletic (But obviously still faster than Greg had been) made it to the STAR-RIG just as ACE was climbing into his seat. "DRIVE" He screamed as he scrambled into his seat. "Don't have to tell me twice!" ACE replied as the STAR-RIG roared to life. "BRLOOOOAR!" It shrieked, as it hurled itself against the STAR-RIG's cab. "ARRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!" Bob shrieked as he looked out the window, seeing it look back at him! ACE slammed his foot down on the accelerator, and the STAR-RIG took off, leaving it in it's dust. Bob sighed with relief. "Did we get away?" ACE glanced into his rear view mirror. "Nope. It's chasing us. And it is fast!" Chapter 3: Because I'll Make Chapter Breaks Wherever I Damned Well Please! Bob screamed. ACE winced in slight pain and began tapping his teeth with his tongue, activating his science derived CB Skull. "Breaker breaker, this is ACE, come in if you hear me, over" Ace transmitted, using the perfect radio code dialogues! All ACE heard were shrieks of horror of the damned. "Ow." "What was that?" Bob asked, having heard none of this and growing more than a little concerned. "Darn Goth kids and their black arts music." ACE mumbled, tapping more of his teeth, dialing in a different frequency. "Bah. All I'm getting is space news and weather," spoke ACE. "Wait. Whats that?" Bob asked, pointing towards the road ahead of them. ACE stared through his windshield. In the vague direction in which Bob was pointing was what looked like a skeleton. On fire. Riding a motorcycle. Which was also on fire. "I've heard of him..," ACE mumbled, as he reached into his glove box, retrieving a strange old tome titled: "The Marvelous Guide to the Universe." A quick flip through the lengthy, contrived, and very, very, strange pages of the old tome and ACE had his answer. "Bob, that is the fiery demony legend on two wheels. Ghost Rider." Bob looked confused. "What's a Ghost Rider?" ACE, never one to keep his eyes on the road, looked back into his book. "Ok... There was this guy, he made a deal with the devil, and got screwed. Then he turned into a skeleton biker at night who went out and took vengeance upon the guilty. Also he has a chain and something about a starring contest." "Can he help us?" Bob asked. "Only one way to find out..." Chapter 4: It's Called PENANCE Stare, Not Peni- Y'know What? DRINK! Ghost Rider was headed right for them. ACE, knowing the rules of the road, and such, took the appropriate action and climbed halfway out the driver's side window of the STAR-RIG's cab and waved his arms like a frantic crazy person in order to get Ghost Rider's attention. Ghost Rider, for reasons best left unsaid, pulled alongside the STAR-RIG and glared at ACE. ACE pointed to the road behind them, where it was chasing them. Ghost Rider snarled and turned his motorcycle, bearing down towards the monstrosity. His nonexistent brow furrowed as he stared it down. An instant later, Ghost Rider, is flames now nearly extinguished, hauled ass across the countryside in an attempt to get as far away from it as inhumanely possible. "WHAT HAPPENED?!" ACE shouted. "IT STARED BACK!" He heard a voice shout back. Bob and ACE looked at each other. While ACE was still mostly calm and collected, Bob wore only a look of supreme terror. "N-Now what do we do?" Bob asked. Ace smiled and began pulling levers and pushing buttons on the STAR-RIG's controls. "Now we do it my way." Chapter 5: Needlessly Padding My Chapter Count! The STAR-RIG hummed to life in a whole new way as it inexplicably took to the sky in an act that was a blatant hate crime against the laws of aerodynamics, as well as a kick to the teeth of nearly every physicist in the known universe. (Except for the noted alien scientist K'RXLG'M who'd been the one to design the flight systems in the STAR-RIG. He was laughing in his space grave.) A look of wonder crossed Bob's face as his mind bid a fond farewell to his last ounce of sanity. As he watched the ground disappear below the clouds, what was left of his mind simply comforted him with the words: "You'll be fine". And then his eyes caught the rear view mirror. "Ah," he said. "It can fly." A loud WHUMPing sound filled the cabin and ACE and Bob heard the sounds that can only be made when a large horrible and apparently winged thing crashes into a semi several thousand feet above ground level. "Some things just don't know when to give up!" ACE growled as he hit the brakes of the STAR-RIG and jerked the steering wheel to the side. It was knocked from the top of the STAR-RIG's cab as it kidney punched casualty and stopped in mid-air. "Time to settle this, like I settle most problems." ACE said with a grin as he jammed his foot down on the accelerator and turned the wheel again. 10 seconds later... "GROOOOOOOOARK!" Came the shrieking sounds of It as it tried to pry itself free from the front bumper of the STAR-RIG. And then came silence. Because in space, no one could hear It scream. ACE kept his foot mashed on the gas, as The STAR-RIG approached light speed, he knew nothing was going to stop him now. Not that much of anything could... Even if it wanted to. Roughly 3 minutes later It thrashed and slammed its many, many appendages against the hood of the STAR-RIG's hood. ACE grinned the maniacal grin of the maniac. Bob fainted and wet himself. And the STAR-RIG plunged into the sun. Epilogue? Mo' like EPIC Logue (Diameter of the sun/the speed of light) seconds later... "WHOO-HO!" ACE hollered as the STAR-RIG passed through the other side of the sun. He looked at the bumper of the STAR-RIG. Whatever It had been, it was no more. He looked over at Bob, who had just regained consciousness. "I told you we'd be ok, little buddy!" Bob sighed a sigh of relief and sat back in his seat. Through the corner of his eye, he saw a bluish dot, which he thought must be the Earth, fade in the distance in the rear view mirror. Suddenly he sat up and turned towards ACE. "Um... Where are we going?!" THE END?